he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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