Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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