Someone shit on the floor
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
