just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
