so explain again why im purple
no
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
