i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
