She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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