Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
