He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
