if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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