I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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