I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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