The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
time to smoke my breakfast
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
