I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
