This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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