I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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