At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
