would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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