Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
