His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
