4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
