I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
