Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
