I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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