He is an equal opportunity slut.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
