so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
