Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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