Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
