Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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