In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
