my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
