Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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