my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
