I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
