so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
