I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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