my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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