I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
