Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
