you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
