Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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