What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
