First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
