I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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