so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
