I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
