How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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