probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
