Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Be still, my beating vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
