i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser