how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
