my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you