oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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