good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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