I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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