if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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