Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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